Spring Cleaning

A day at home. And I got busy with household chores and being a gd daughter and sister. my room now looks spectacularly clean and clear. so much so I am not quite used to it.

Something I tried after reading Serene's blog - a ColorGenics test- http://www.goldinuniverse.com/:

You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.

You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.

It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.
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Not all the above is true. But this is how I'm feeling. I'm really trying my best here. At work, at Hana, at home, among my friends. But am I being myself? I don't know. Trying to be a better person. But happier person or not I dunno. I conform, I keep it safe, I play it safe. I be obedient. I listen. But when does the "me" lies among all the "I"s?

I'm not confused, or lost. I just feel a tinge of restlessness, a tinge of loneliness, a tinge of 'hard work don't seem to pay off", "i feel like total chopped liver" and "why the hell am i working so hard?"

I want so much more for Christmas, Santa. Do you hear me?