Neurotic Leya

I do not have a boyfriend now. Haven't dating until recently. The past year has been constant rediscovery of myself and people around me. I learnt alot about myself, but suddenly I turn around and realize I have very few males friends other than those from Hana. Which leaves only Bryan (whom haven spoke to me for sometime)

The people I'm going to mention anonymously are strange men who keeps coming up in my mind. Who are merely friends or even less than that. Men I've gone out on one on one dates (totally platonic, absolutely no romantic connotation. If there is, I would know) but somehow... somewhat... they just keep turning up in my head. So to address this problem, I decided to write it down anonymously on my blog.

Mr X - He is older (think have children, probably married now/before), extremely charismatic, speaks with an accent. Knows how to charm women, I've seen how my female colleagues and bosses get charmed by him. But he is totally sincere, witty and funny. And knows alot. And he flirted with me. Over email (as cerified by Johnny, not a fragment of my imagination). He is a my certified crush, i become deliriously happy when it comes to him. But no, there is absolutely no way this will progress more than a crush.

Mr Y - He is a guy with the car. Totally not my kind. abit on the Beng-ish side. He calls me 'baby' online. I conveniently ignore this way of addressing me (nonetheless my thoughts ran abit wild) I'm drawn to want to know him better, but not wanting to give him false hopes (no interest in a relationship now). But he's defintely the young gutsy one, willing to take risks and has the experience in life.

My Z - He is the safe guy. Took the safe route, have a safe job, and a nice family (I know his dad. humourous guy) Yes safe = boring. Just a bit. Maybe he's shy. and nervous, under the weird circumstances how we get to know each other. But i get the feeling, we have very different thinkings (about taking chances) and different wavelengths. Like not a perfect fit. Like nothing in common. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions.

Deduction: I'm not ready to be in any romantic relationship. Maybe the right guy hadn't come along. Maybe I have too much considerations. Maybe I'm just too selfish to want to let anyone in. Frightened really. That all is in my imagination. Scared I will be rushing things again (like all the times before). Now I really just want to take it slow. Really extremely slow.