It's incredible

that I've blog so little since the year started. hee.

My thoughts are fragmented, the last week was well spent. In bits and pieces:

I'm in love. With my ipod touch! Who needs a boyfriend when you can watch eye candy like 'Asada Ryutaro' in Iryu on the go!

I'm thinking more of the number - 23. It's scary that time passes this fast. What have I achieved at 23? Do I have the ability to be independent?

Assistant instructor is a learning journey. I am so honoured to be assisting in Caren's class. I want to be an instructor soon and conduct classes myself.

We are who we mixed with. I'm happier doing more that contribute to my future, than wasting my time waiting or feeling bored with life

I've been drinking abit too much, as I got drunk on Fri night again. But vitamin B helps!

Moments of weakness and loneliness are still there. But I'm too busy to waste time thinking about those.

Gimme more work!!!

Review & Renew

2007 - a year of new beginnings, disappointment, learning & preparation

In a pretty big nutshell, here's my report card for 2007:

Beginning of Hana-School of Skincare & Cosmetic Arts. We started out in Chinatown Plaza, and we had our opening, classes, workshops, makeup competition. Almost everyone spent their birthdays there too. Our first OPP, NDO, nutrition class and mrb were held there. The group became regulars at frog leg claypot store and zhi char store opposite our classroom.

The group had a trying year. We spent almost everyday together. 1, 3, 5 at Amstar. 2, 4, 6 at Hana. The group dynamics changed dramatically over the past year. You could say we grew up, but in separate directions. Some left, new blood came and go. Claudia was unable to join us for the most part of last year, but my, was she energized when she returned to the group. Her makeup skills, her presentation were improving by leaps and bounds and most importantly, I saw her take ownership of Hana, picking up key roles in Hana. And there was Oliver who in turn brought about the 'birth' of Sarah. Guess one could tell the similarities between the 2. Both extremely popular (esp among the opposite gender), charismatic, outgoing, fun-loving, enthusiastic at times and definitely go-getter. Really want to see both of them more active in the group this year.

And there were many many weddings. First was Vernon's wedding, then Rion's and Janet's, then Jenny's. I am happy to be there to be part of their special day. I'm looking forward to Gordon & Thanet's and Zen's wedding this year too! Can't wait :)

Work wise was quite eventful too. Changed 3 workplaces in a span of 3 mths. Left Meritus in Jan, joined Raffles The Plaza (now known as Fairmont) for 2 mths, before joining my current company - Pegasus Solutions in Apr. Finally got a pay raise. Finally like my workplace and colleagues. Finally beginning to enjoy my work. It's become quite a mouthful to explain my job, and job scope. But I do very much enjoy the fixed hours and proxmity to my home (however travelling to town is such a chore!)

Many has remarked that I've changed alot in terms of looks over the past year. Thanks for all the times for those who said I looked good/pretty etc. It's been a confidence booster for a girl who used to look really geeky in sec sch and poly (complete with specs, non-existent fringe, bad sense of fashion). I will strive to live up to my reputation as beauty instructor in 2008!

Most importantly I've helped even more people to become prettier and more confident over the past year. For all the makeup I have done during pageants, bashes, D&D, fashion shows, I've gradually becoming better at what I do and I love the smile on each person's face after I'm done. I'm still keen to do free facials and makeup for close friends, so book me soon before I start getting too busy!

Although I do lament the fact I am too single, few men has left a lasting impression over the past year. Strange men who walked in and out suddenly of my life are aplenty (names I shall not named, but there're seriously alot) Still no sight of prince charming, whom I am convinced is very lost somewhere. But I'm not lonely (for most part of the time). I'm enjoying singlehood with my friends, going partying, spending more time with sister and girlfriends. Like Christine's new year resolution, it's time to be 'happily single'. Chasing our dreams give us a high, more than chasing after a worthless man.

Regretfully, I did not make major breakthrough. Still very far from hitting my mark, because I did not treat my future seriously. Alot of distractions, disappointment and unhappiness, but those are not excuses. Dreams not fulfilled, will just remains as dreams. And time is running out. I'm already going to be 23 this year. Ill-equipped with just a diploma, I know my future is doomed if I don't get a degree, or make it big in Amway. I admit that I've been in my comfort zone, afraid of doing new things, taking up new responsibilities. I still complain alot, and my mood swings alot, and my consistency is way off mark. I would like to think my dreams are specific. but honestly there're not. Neither are my plans.

So the new year resolution is to face my challenges and overcome my fears. Be it in Hana, work, among my friends, money, love or family. It's enough of knowing what needs to be done but not doing it. I want to achieve my goals this year. I want to make it this year and I know I will.

Everybody has somebody

24 hours and around 65 minutes to the end of 2007. Who will you be spending the last day of 2007 with?

Many said that 2007 was a great year. Economy's doing well, people getting fatter bonus, people getting married, getting pregnant & giving birth. Quite a number of my peers either graduated, furthered their studies, start their own business. People around me getting together, breaking up, patching up and finding their significant half.

Status Quo: I'm busy trying to build up a business of my own, working myself up the corporate ladder, trying my best to make time for friends and family. And I'm terribly single.

yah yah yah. I have at least another 5 very hot, smart, good looking girlfriends who are terribly single. yes singlehood rocks because we have the freedom and whatnots. But we really just want someone special to spend special occasion with, if you know what I mean.

Back to the topic of a new year beckoning. I am really looking forward to it, because of all the new beginnings it represents. To start the slate clean.
1) Hana: New place, new projects, new classes, more people
2) Work: Overseas please!!!
3) $: More money, big money
4) Family: Sister coming back! Family trip!!!
5) Friends: I have many. Too many to name out. Haha. But it'll be great if I can fulfill my Oz road trip and TW/HK/Japan/Korea shopping trip with 4FG babes. More overseas trips!!!
6) Health: Lose weight, healthier
7) Love: Luckier in love.

I have written this incredibly long wish list for 2008. But top on my list, is not to make mistakes or do the same wrong things i did in 2007. For all the things I fear in 2007, I hope to not fear anymore and face challenges bravely.

May everyone be blessed with an even better year ahead!

Wake up Leya

Wake up and smell the roses. Open your eyes and see clearly what needs to be done.

Somethings are never worth pursuing. Not by you anyway.

Just focus on the things you should be doing now and I bet you will feel more fulfilling and empowered than before.

Wake up from those unrealistic scenerios that you can't do anything about. Stop playing mind games with yourself. Stop trying to read and guess others' motives. Just be happy

Here's Leya talking to Leya >.<

Pursuit of Happyness

A story of tenacity.

If we never last through hardships, we never deserve anything.

If something comes so easily, we wouldn't know how to appreciate it.

If we give up now, we are nothing.

We don't need to know how electricity works, as long as we know what is electricity and what it can do.

We don't need to know how to attain our goals, we just need to know to know specifically what they are. The remaining pieces of the puzzle will fall in place automatically.

Have faith (:

Yuletide

Merry Christmas to all my friends, family and dearies! Tis the season to be jolly, lala-lala-la la-la-la-la.

This Xmas would be so much better if my sister is around. Nonetheless it was a cosy quiet christmas spent with v. impt people like my family and friends.

Now I wonder what I'm going to do about New Year Eve...

*p.s. matters of the heart are better left unopened, unexplored.

Spring Cleaning

A day at home. And I got busy with household chores and being a gd daughter and sister. my room now looks spectacularly clean and clear. so much so I am not quite used to it.

Something I tried after reading Serene's blog - a ColorGenics test- http://www.goldinuniverse.com/:

You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.

You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.

It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.
_____

Not all the above is true. But this is how I'm feeling. I'm really trying my best here. At work, at Hana, at home, among my friends. But am I being myself? I don't know. Trying to be a better person. But happier person or not I dunno. I conform, I keep it safe, I play it safe. I be obedient. I listen. But when does the "me" lies among all the "I"s?

I'm not confused, or lost. I just feel a tinge of restlessness, a tinge of loneliness, a tinge of 'hard work don't seem to pay off", "i feel like total chopped liver" and "why the hell am i working so hard?"

I want so much more for Christmas, Santa. Do you hear me?

Think. Out of the Box

"If you step back and look at the bigger picture today, you will be able to let go."

I've been self-tormenting myself with negative thoughts. Something I do so very often when I am alone. Behaviour Analysis: Before I can analyze another person's behaviour, I have to understand my own.

So thinking and deriving meaning from what I see around me, is something I'm learning to do.

Before I start rattling off in mindless paragraphs of words, I just want to state my brain and heart don't speak the same language and move the same direction. Is it that I don't want this enough? Why do I see myself again and again, acting out of habit? Habit from before, not new habits that should have been cultivated.

Seeing his words, somehow makes my blood boil. Seriously what does he know? (only barely scrap off the tip of the iceberg) but I can't let him exceed me when I already have the headstart.

Then I'm like a stubborn mule that wouldn't budge from my comfortable zone. Do I really need a disaster and crisis to tell me time is running out so fast even as i am typing this entry?

If a person gives you his time, he can give you no more precious gift. ~ Frank Tyger

AMaths

When I was in secondary school, I had this subject called AMaths.

I never resented Maths before Sec 3. Miraculously I never had to try too hard for this subject because I am quite good at counting (read = calculative). Then I went on to Sec 3 when I had Double of everything = Lang (Eng & Chi), Maths (Emaths, Amaths), Humanities (Geo & Hist), Sci (Phy & Chem, which i later on dropped to do combined science). IT REALLY SUCKS THEN! i always fall asleep during phy, chem lessons. And esp Amaths lesson. I really tried to keep my concentration up when attending those classes. But somehow somewhat as the teacher went on and on with the examples, her words became further and further away. The class was of little interest to me. Then I thought, "I know one example, I should know it all," After telling myself all those things, I would fall back sleep thinking all is fine.

Until the tests, the exams came and I knew I was in deep trouble. During the paper, I would think to myself "it's ok I dunno how to do some of the questions, at least I completed most" Then when I received my results, I had a shock 7/20, 41/100. Those were the kind of results I was getting for the longest time during Sec 3 /4 (i think I scored quite a few zeros too). It was not encouraging, it was upsetting. And to me a student who always managed to score good grades, it was quite a blow. So I had tuition (which my parents spent alot on) but I was still falling asleep in class. Tuition was just a way to tell me, at least I was doing something about my grades. I made little little improvements over the 2 years, because my tuition teacher wouldn't give up on me. She was patient with me and because of her, I managed to pass Amaths (I cant remember I got c6 or b3, but I was way too glad that I actually passed the damn subject)

During those days when I was mugging and upset about my grades, I did little to really improve my prespective of Amaths. I was just telling myself I am bound to fail, I'm bound to fail. It's too difficult, I dunno how to do the questions, my amaths teacher is boring, I'm just not good in maths and science. I found alot of excuses for my failure to apprehend Amaths. But no actual solution to change my prespective of this challenging subject, like telling myself what I can accomplish if I can apprehend the subject. I could go JC with no sweat. Uni will come really easily. I wouldn't really have escape to Poly for an easier way out while telling everyone Poly is really hands on, and I could learn more from that (I did have a happier time in Poly. I wont trade that for anything)

Anyway abit too much digression, my point is I was finding excuses for my failure. Abit sad but true. And because of me compromising with the situation, I pretty much throw in the towel without giving much of a fight. The result was coincidental. I wished for a pass and a pass was all I got. It wasn't a real gauge of my actual strength at all, but it was definitely a measure of my mental strength.

Anyway I'm in the same place as I were when I was 16. To drop Amaths or not. I already dropped science to do combined science (analogy for dropping JC/uni for poly/work). Now Amaths is as tough as ever. I got my best tuition teacher (Hana). And AMaths is so bloody difficult as ever!!! ARGH!

The truth about MLM

No, I am not going to stand out to defend Amway or MLMs or compare pyramid schemes with MLM or brag about how MLM is going to bring you more money.

My colleagues were discussing excitedly about skincare (2 mummies and 1 metrosexual) this morning once I stepped into office. I was observing and overhearing the conversation as my computer starts up. Apparently the male colleague used to work in Nuskin Australia as beauty consultant (staff not distributor), and he was raving how good the products were. Then another mummy was excitedly sharing this dubious online taiwanese brand of products she saw recommended at a popular woman beauty show "nu ren wo zui da". The 'client' was my harmless, curious colleague who is a 2nd time mum to be who is really concerned about the products she puts on her face.

Anyway I met that mum to be in the pantry, after the discussion ended. I casually asked if she is looking for a good exfoliator. Because if she is, I got a good one to recommend. After more probing, she asked me for the site to check out more.

In retrospect, I could be more aggressive to share with her my feelings for the product. Because I really absolutely love Artistry stuff as they are so reliable and affordable (not just because I'm a distributor)

The point I'm trying to bring across is that MLM/Amway is not about selling, but sharing. We share information with each other everyday. Like what food is nice to eat, what movie is nice, what computer to buy. We don't expect the other party to make the same decisions as we do, we merely just want to let them know the existence of an alternative. Same goes with the sharing of products. It's not the method but the mentality.

I came across this friend's blog (let's just name him PJ) PJ just joined an MLM company and from his blog I can see much enthusiasim he has for the business as a starter. Then it struck me. MLM is really becoming more and more common these days. so many companies out there that names I shall not name, they have different business plans, different products, different way of operation. It is really not a taboo, or novelty anymore. it's neither a get rich quick scam nor a pyramid scheme since its legalisation. Even if we are not doing Network marketing, someone we know is definitely in one and may even be raking in big bucks from it. And I'm proud to say I have joined the grandmaster of all MLMs, which is a company that is almost half a century old and going stronger by the minute.

It's pretty much the 1st liner for any MLM. "Ever dream of owning your own business, gaining financial freedom?" Who don't want? Like what Thanet said yesterday, everyone wants to enjoy the fruits of this mean (MLM) but no one likes to do MLM.

A quote from PJ's blog: "Networking: If you want to be a success, you have to get used to frequently hearing the word "no" and ignoring it."

I will be telling the mum to be more about that polishing scrub that I absolutely love over lunch. :)

Optimism with real truth favor

I was watching Amazing Race with my siblings yesterday. there was a father-daughter team: Ronald and Christine. In the 1st leg, the father keeps apologizing for disappointing her and keeps saying he doesn't want to disappoint his daughter by losing the race. Christine the daughter however keep reassuring her dad that she is very proud of him. During the 2nd leg, the father became quite indecisive and defensive and started showing his bad side. He first scolded another guy from another team for being rude to the airline crew. Next at the detour he keeps repeating that he doesn't know how to hoist furniture and that the other challenge which is hunting the bicycles going to be difficult because there will be an ocean of bikes. The daughter tried to cheer him on saying that it's ok, as long as they stay positive. The father suddenly threw his temper again at her saying he is keeping optimism except his optimism is the truth (which is that it is going to be difficult) Then at the road block, he dissed his daughter by saying he could have done it.

My sister who was watching the show with me made a comment 'if i were the daughter, i would have slap the father who was being so irritating.' I had the same sentiments. Asian parents are not fond of encouragement or praises. They believe by doting on you, by encouraging and praising you makes you an arrogant or big headed person who is too full of yourself. They like to paint a very pessimistic picture of the world, like it is dangerous to go overseas alone, we shouldn't divulge too much of ourselves to other people than our family. Like my mum, who since young believes a good daughter cleans, washes and does housework beautifully (very domesticated) I remembered when the 1st time I got 2nd in class, she was not at all proud. In fact i dun remember her coming for the prize ceremony (subsequent ones she did not turn up too) She never showed her pride for me during my academic achievements. In fact, she told me girls don't need to study so much. just need to marry good husband. So as a kid, I grew up eager for attention, pride, encouragement and praises that my parents never gave me.

Thankfully after working hard in school and coming out to the society to work taught me that it's ok that my parents never praise me as much as I wanted when I was young. It made me stronger and more independent. They are who they are because their parents don't praise them too, so they don't know how to praise us. And they had a hard life, where money is hard earned because they cannot further studies because they are poor. But our generation should be different, now that we can see this. I'm not trying to say my mum is wrong. I still love her alot and she is right in her way, but it doesn't apply to our generation anymore. I see the daughter in Amazing race and I realize Asian women are really strong mentally and physically. Males in Asian countries are still perceived as the dominant gender. Women really still have to do more to prove ourselves, very unlike in the West. plus we have to suffer the gender stereotypes from our parents' generation. If we don't make a difference to our next generation, it's just going to be a vicious cycle.

So it all starts with us to make that one difference to our daughters (and sons) in the future, to praise and encourage them. Let them know it is ok to make mistakes as long as we learn from it. But at the same time, maintain the Asian values of humility, loyalty, integrity and tenacity.

And the world don't have to an awful place. We can see good in everything and everyone. I firmly believe in learning to not take things too hard and just do our best. What others do, we really can't control.

Passion Vs $

a friend of mine was sharing with me her frustration with her current situation.

I kinda of understand her pedicament. 'Cause I was somewhat in such a rut last year.

Fresh out of school, been working unhappily in a job that is not really what we want for a year or more. Come to hate our job and our routine lives. Yearn to go back to school to pursue a degree of choice (not because a degree to find a better paying job) like fashion design, design, baking school etc. And come to realize over the past year of working, we did not manage to save much of the money we have earned. Worse still, family finances do not allow us to pursue studies further, meaning we either have to rob a bank or beg the government or anybody to give a scholarship or loan. (which in many cases, scholarships are hard to come by and robbing a bank is a no go either, because a criminal record don't look nice in resume)

At such a crossroad, there's only 6 ways to go (in my opinion)

1) Take a loan and go back to school (to study what you want) Design school could cost anything between $60 to $100k after the whole course complete. Not including art materials, top notch computer for designing etc. And after say 3 years of study, come out and find that the local design scene is way too saturated. Money hard to earn, plus face alot of resistance from snotty clients. Passion could easily turn to hate in a job.

2) Take a loan and go back to school (just to get a degree to get by life, so that can command more pay, higher position in the meantime) Essentially spending more time and $ on pursuing further education, when you can use the time and money for better use. And when you finally graduate, you find yourself older than the average NUS graduate. Guess which the employer will choose.

3) Find a job in a line that you have passion for (like marketing for fashion line, photographer, TV producer, baker) End up hating the job (and your passion), cause you never imagine the downsides of the job when glamourising the passion before taking it up.

4) Find a job that pays, work your ass off and end up hating your life.

5) Find a job that pays, work your ass off for that passion you have.
Say if you want to learn fashion design and can't afford the money now, work in the day and find an alternative job at night. Save really hard (that's the more straightforward way) and it will probably take 15 years, or less than that if you are really good at saving

OR

6) Learn another skill at night, while you work your ass off in the day. Any skills that will enhance and propel you to earn money and bring you a step closer to your dream. Like if you wanna learn fashion design and make a business out of fashion design, learn makeup (which you can learn the asthetics of the face, bringing yourself one step closer to inspiration in fashion. Plus fashion shows to do makeup at so you gain exposure). Make a business out of makeup (by running your own shop / school with a group of like-minded friends). Earn money by learning how to run your own business. If you work really hard in say 2 -3 years, you may be able to gain financial stability and freedom from your day job to pursue your dream. BUT like all the above choices, there is a downside because it takes a lot of discipline, tenacity, focus to run your own business. Whereas you can't fail in this business, it is 99% likely you will give up before you succeed.

So which one will you choose?

Influence

There's 3 kinds of people in the world:
1) those who read
2) those who observe
3) those who peed on the electric fence

Which one do you belong to?

Was chatting with Johnny online the other day. He asked me if I was weak minded. To be absolutely honest, I think I am because I can be easily influenced into doing things. Come to think of it, those who are easily influenced are great influencers themselves. In fact those who refused to get influence, can't influence anyone else but themselves. Agree? Or confused?

We try so darn hard to influence people to agree and join us in what we're working towards, but we often forget the fundamentals of the power of influence and that's 'Self'. How to influence when we can't even be our own catalyst? Do we really have to depend on others to influence us to make that one more step?

The ultimate level of self-influence / self motivation is making undesirable things desirable. Doing things we dislike until a point that we are master at it. Like talking to that person whom we don't really talk to, just because he can be abit irritating at times. Or doing things that we have been avoiding. 'Cause until we do and fail, we'll never succeed.

I've been meaning to find this book called 'Don't eat the marshmallow.. yet.' Those who delay eating the marshmallow immediately has 10 more in the end, whereas those who can't wait only have 1 in the beginnning. If we're only be contented with what we have on hand now, we will only have this much. But if we do the things we should do now, instead of the things we like to do, we'll get more in the future. I don't to fight with everyone for that one piece of marshmallow.

Let's not be those who peed on the electric fence.

Reflection

I heart my playlist. It probably is intuitive because it plays just the kind of music that i want to listen to when i feel like it.

I enjoyed Len's lesson very much. Especially the 7 things we can control. I laughed my head off, mainly because I am laughing at myself, for doing all the 7 things he mentioned. Me not very good with controlling... partly because too emotional. And being emotional is no good for business.

Saying this, reminds me Nana K. aka Hachiko. She is a character from Nana, who always have the habit of falling in love at first sight. Which doesn't work very well for her because in the end, love slipped by her hands. She jumps from one relationship to another because she is always feeling lonely. Actually she loves no one, but herself. And she just wished for someone, anyone to love her back.

Incredible. Resembles real life.

Anyway on a cold turkey for Nana. Still got a few more episodes to complete the series. Planning to do so late at night on Fri. In the meantime, suddenly got a lot of work at work to complete. And still got several new projects for Hana. Keeping myself so busy, sometimes pushes me to the brink of breaking point. But I like working and doing. It keeps me alive and useful, needed.

Fear. Fear of failure, disappointment

Doing vs thinking. Are you a 'I should' or 'I could'? There's 2 sides to everything, which side do you believe in?

Words carry alot of weight. Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy? We are indeed who we describe ourselves to be

Just something I learnt from yesterday's lesson.

Shojo Manga

I'm really slow in catching up on shows and anime. Nana was such a craze in 2005 when the movie was launched, but I only caught on now! argh. If not for that incredible song Kailin sang, I won't be hooked on this seemingly hentai lesbo show.

But after watching it, it is so not what I thought. No wonder it's such a popular shojo manga because this show is so relatable to young girls. Nana Komatsu aka Hachi, the girl from countryside looking for love and happiness is very relatable and certain characteristics reminds me of myself (like falling in love on 1st sight, idealising love etc). The other Nana, who is the vocalist of the band, remains me of the girl I wanna to become, achieving her dreams despite giving up love.

I'm neither as stupid as Hachi (as least i hope), nor am I strong like Nana. Both girls are incredible in their own right. There was this episode where Nana disapproved Hachi's choice of guy (because that guy is such a player and jerk. I hate it when she married him!), but she didn't dare to criticise Hachi's choice (or rather can't bear to) because she knows to Hachi, a woman's happiness is being with the man she loves.

Sad but true. sometimes we see others making a mistake but we don't dare to reproach them because we scared they will be angry at us. I've seen some of my friends fall head over heels for guys who totally don't deserve them, but I dun dare reproach them. the only thing I can do is probably cheer them on and support them when they need someone. because I've been through it. I've made some pretty stupid decisions when it comes to men... but last thing I want is someone criticizing my decisions. come to think of it, it's stupid. But love is blind.

Why do we let ourselves fall in the same vicious cycle all the time?

Anyway Nana rocks!

Experience

What constitutes an experience? Is it some event or activity that we have gone through and forget about? Or some lesson that we have learnt?

I have learnt that man is not perfect and is bestow with imperfections. That’s what makes us beautiful and human. Sometimes we can’t live with the flaws of others. But while pointing the index finger at someone else, 4 of the remaining fingers are pointing to us.

So I admire Yannwei, for being to see the goodness in everyone. Praise and encouragement is easy to give, yet we are usually stingy about giving them, especially after seeing their faults. Somehow in my small narrow-mindedness at the point in time, I see their faults bigger than their merits.

Being this blinded makes me less of a leader and no more than a mere whiner which no one likes to stick around with.

Room for improvement, means no one is perfect. Especially me. I can only be hard on myself and not others.

Fairytale

I saw something on Sarah's blog which i agree with. Love is not a bandage for wounds. I used to think having a guy in my life is the answer to my problems. I used to ask myself so many times. Is it? Really? Will he be my prince charming delivering me from all hardships and sufferings?

I wished it was that simple. Really it's not.

I'm on a man prowl. Seriously. I'm putting myself for blind dates, boring dates, lousy dates, desirable dates. I consider it as interview process. Go out with all kinds to know what is suitable. but everytime before a date, I worry and overthink and end up being totally unlike me. I disliked that insecurity. And if the dates turn out bad, I blame it on them. Maybe they are not at fault, I'm just wrong for them at the wrong place at the wrong time.

As I told Cassandra, I'm patiently (trying to be anyway) to wait for the right one to come along. In the meantime I'm making myself a better woman. An independent and stronger (emotionally) girl who will be ready at the right time for the right one. Patiently waiting. The best things in life are worth waiting. In the meantime, let the unfortunate unsuitable men pass through my very bland love life.

What will be, will be.

In the meantime, I am encouraged by the many sensible relationships and marriages around me. Like Rion and Janet, Gordon and Thanet, Len and Caren, Kei and Kristi (Astri's sister who just got married.) and so many more. (: I'm learning to admire from afar and trying not to let the words "I envy them, I want a man too" slipped my mouth.

To what it is worth

Besides complexity that comes with age, I realize that another important thing - Time.

I used to think I am young, I want to try all things in the shortest possible time, I want to the fastest bestest out there. Everything is of urgency and I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I simply want time to stop. To stay 20 forever, 21 forever, 22 forever.

The faster you gain something, the faster you will lose it. It applies to losing weight. Yeah, sure you can lose a couple of kilos by skipping meals or taking drastic diet, but to lose weight eventually and efficiently truly takes time. Relationships too, if you jump into a relationship too quickly, the likelihood of falling out of love is just as fast.


I finally learnt the lesson of rushing, not hurrying. Take time to breathe the flowers, take a look around yourself. Don't hurry from destination to destination without a break. To enjoy the process you need to actually slow the footsteps to make precise and accurate judgement. Like playing chess.

Now I know why I am a bad chess player. I just make any moves, irregardless of the outcome. I never give any thought to the bigger picture, only have immediate aims in my mind.

Not to say we can take our own sweet time when we are young. The more we can't play with our youth, because time is of the essence. Now's the best time to make the wisest decisions and strategise your big game plan. Miss this chance, and you'll probably not know when the next opportunity may arises. But watch before you leap. Or rather, think before you leap

Of marriage, babies and sex

Despite me seemingly trying to be a career woman and be super busy, what I really want is to get married, have babies, white picket fence (so american) and be a very free tai-tai so that I've got time to dress up, shopping, go for balls (or gala dinner), do charity, educate my children. I know, this kind of life sounds very boring, but I like being and having free time. Time to explore the world, build new relationships, time to roam around, time to waste.

And I wanna get married early. Before my ovaries expire. Haahaa, sounds so weird right? A girl my age thinking that far. I don't plan to get married in my late 20s and have babies when I'm 30 something and while my child is finally grown up, i am in my 50s. I like my parents' lives timeline. What I don't like is money was always the major issue for conflicts in my family when I'm growing up. My parents got married when my mum was 21 and my dad was 25 and they set up a family soon after. By 26 my mum was done with childbirth and as my siblings and I are either in our 20s or reaching 20, my mum is only 45. She's still considered reasonably young and healthy to go travel. And I want her to be able to free herself from working when she reaches 50.

Such a far-fetched dream. Any financial planner would advise that i'll have to earn alot more before I can provide that kind of lifestyle for my parents. And realistically my chances of getting married and pregnant before 25 is getting lesser and lesser as I grow older and older. Just a blink of an eye, by next year, I'll be a certified 23 yr old, though my 22nd birthday is still not here yet. 2 more years towards my planned retirement. I'm starting to feel a sense of urgency.

Many pregnant women around me these days, think the government may have put something in our water to make everyone so fertile. And for the issue of fertility, i was inspired to write something about it in my blog after chatting with Persis yesterday. Old men goes to Batam or Balai for sex, young men are screwing their underage girlfriends for sex. I think Singaporeans actually have very exciting sex lives, just that people are not telling because we are still a conservative society. I don't judge people for having sex. I just wished people will do it responsibly. And speaking of conservative, I recently realized that there is a law against homosexuality in our Penal code, which is under revision right now. Sex between people of the same sex is apparently illegal in Singapore. Strange eh, despite noticing more 'broken wrists' around?

Judging Everybody

Judge - who are we to judge anyone?

What is judging someone by its cover anyway? In my opinion, judging is define as labelling someone based a action or speech (which is not a common occurence) Names shall not be named, but there was once I hugged another guy friend infront of some friends. This guy friend not my boyfriend. He's simply huggable and we both know that hug did not mean anything more than friends (i treat this guy like my bro). But my other friends, well one of the guy gave me the look. I was uncomfortable, trying to explain myself. But then I tot to myself. I am me. I like hugs, I give friendly hugs. If I know u are not comfortable, I wont give. But otherwise I hug anyone and everyone (except most guys).

And I had this sex survey done with some friends. A friend of a friend is interviewing a sensitive topic of sex. It was quite informative and I like the lay-it-all-out-in-open kind of talk, where people shared honest opinions and views. It is confidential anyway, and although I was honestly abit caught off guard by the honesty of the answers but I did not judge. No labels were formed in my head except perhaps surprise (because I realize how little I know).

And there was another issue of a more sensitve nature. Don't know how to put it politically correctly but I got ticked off yesterday for not turning up. Was accused of pulling some stunt, which I innocently could say I did not. I'm just sick and tired of the drama and hoo-haa that I've decided to take a break until a proper decision is made and this issue is addressed. I hate the politics, i hate the misunderstanding, i hate the back stabbing, i hate the wrong image that was portrayed, i hate all this judging of people. They never did understand us. It's a relationship doomed for failure.

I rather be who I am, than to change who I am to suit everyone's palatte. I'm the in between child. To the wild ones, I'm the good girl. To the good ones, I'm the wild girl. Whatever. Judge whatever you want. I am just who I am.

*this is not to say we should stop changing for the better. Just don't change yourself because of someone says that's how you should be.